I was thinking the other day about what my level of vanity is. The Mega Millions had achieved an inflated amount and a co-worker asked what I'd do with the "moola". I said I would absolutely try to keep the windfall a secret as much as possible. No low life, hillbilly trailer park ostentation for me. Just a few things: a driver, a cook and a maid full time. The driver culled from a disabled pool of the unemployed. The cook would be a young and very recent graduate from some culinary school; someone who wasn't able to find a position with any commercial kitchen establishment. I would want that hasher to creatively sling their imagination at breakfast, lunch and dinner. The maid? All personality. Like a sitcom character. Man or woman, black or white, foreign or domestic, legal or illegal it would not matter. The maid would have to be a trusted superintendent; an Alfred Pennyworth of sorts.What about the rest of the money? Well, I would stir a little adventure into my life. Go around the country and exact random revenge on dirt bags like Michael Madsen would do on his short-lived TV series "Vengeance Unlimited". I, however, would do it for free and send the videos to the victims of these treacherous scum. Get a couple of retired Pride Fighters to help me do this.
I'd pick up a newspaper from, let's say, Texas. In it there'd be some piece about a middle-aged drunk driver with many priors having killed a family. Only one member having survived. Well, when the hubbub settles down a bit, months after the incident, while he's awaiting trial and he is out on bond, my technicians and I pay him a visit and pop out his eyes so he can't drive any more! It's those little contributions to society that would make it better for everyone else, right? Newspaper piece about a child molester in Moline, Illinois with many priors and guess what? His voice becomes an alto for the rest of his life. Habitual wife/girlfriend beater? No fists, no more problem! Videos to all their victims of me fixing their problems free of charge.
On the subject of lovely violence, I have been wondering about how superior I feel to a lot of people around the world. I have evaluated and determined that my genes are well evolved and truly in the path of great emergence. Why? Because I can honestly say that "my kind" does not need society to spend for the cost of policing. In other words, its all those other bastards that are ruining it for a lot of "us" types. Sorry, I'm never going to kill anyone in anger, I'm never going to do anything unethical that would cost or negatively affect other people, I'm never going to become a head of state and cheat and lie or declare a war that would end the lives of young men and women. I'm never going to rob a bank. If every home or business in the world were to be left unlocked and with their windows open, I would never break-in and steal from those who live there or own those establishments. So, the trillions and trillions spent around the world on policing, on security, on weapons and armies because some people are just God-damned fucking assholes (and many of these jerks wear mullets), would not be necessary if there were only "my kind" around the world.
While I'm on this God Complex, I've got some opinions about a couple of professional sports leagues. I guess I've been thinking about this since the NHL and the NBA are both in the showcase portion of their seasons. Both leagues enter their playoffs about the same time of the year.
The "new" NHL has, for me, become un-watchable. The perverted version of hockey that was played professionally in North America up until a couple of years ago is no more. The violence is down and the need for goons is disappearing. I was always of the philosophy that hockey would evolve into the true Rollerball someday. It would have been a sport people would want to watch. Eventually a precedent would have been established in the NHL, where if you were to be assaulted by any player on the rink, deadly force would be an acceptable response. And why not? Dickhead goon dislikes the fact that an opposing player has scored two quick goals. For no reason whatsoever, the cowardly goon sheds the gloves and the stick and assaults the scorer. Scorer high-kicks goon in the neck with the blade of his skate. Goon dies on the rink after his aorta is completely severed. The law and society would and should protect the player being assaulted. He was physically assaulted for Pete's sakes. The NHL could continue profitably if a couple of these human sacrifices were to occur once in a while. Hockey would no longer be a fringe sport further away than The Scripps-Howard Spelling Bee or the NASCAR rain delay.
Currently, a rule that I would consider if I were the dwarfish commissioner of the NHL: A team is playing short-handed because the other team is on a power play. If the short-handed team scores on the fully staffed team, the short handed team should be allowed to bring their player out of the penalty box. The penalty should be immediately pardoned even if it's a major penalty.
And regarding the NBA? No more freakin' ghetto chest-thumping hanging on the rim after a dunk. No exceptions. No hanging on the rim after dunking the ball. Dunk the ball all you want, but if you can't dunk it without having to grab the rim to protect yourself, the offense cedes to the defense. If you can't dunk it cleanly, no dunking allowed period.
There must be many reasons why today I'm not a champion racehorse, a lottery winner or the commissioner of the NBA or the NHL.
I just can't think of any.
*!*
posted by JerryNJ @ 6:23 PM
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